Dear neglected blog..

I've finally gotten around to writing an update. Sorry, poor blog -
I've spent all evening replying to emails and updating forum buddies about how I'm going. I had an ultrasound today and it turns out that I have 22 follicles!! Wahoo! Seems that I have nothing to worry about with regards to OHSS or non-response. Quite ridiculous since I'm one of the best worriers there is! BUT, I won't tempt fate, I'll just be thankful! EPU will be later this week or next weekend, so by that time my smaller follicles should be well and truly ready. Thanks to some more knowledgeable IVFers, I now know that all follicles are aspirated and that they grow about 2mm per day! So, all is on track and we are very happy. We are also very happy to have organised time off work for the next two weeks. I'm feeling a lot of pressure and pulling around my lower abdomen, I'm tired physically and emotionally all over the shop. There's no way I could teach in this state.

Feeling like the universe is on my side today. I received some yellow booties from a good e friend yesterday. They are part of an old wives tale for women trying to conceive. You put them under your pillow. Good friends of ours from Qld sent some flowers today wishing us luck with the process, which is really nice considering we had to pull out of flying u there to attend the husband's 30th birthday next weekend. Then, another e friend popped into my forum BG out of the blue to wish me luck with the scan! This is a person who is going through her own IF hell, and she has such a lot generosity towards other women who are going through things! It's really sweet. These three things made me stop and think - yeah, there are people out there who care and knowing that makes me feel so much more positive about this cycle! I'm not saying I expect to get a BFP - I'm just saying that emotionally I feel OK about it all and no matter the outcome, I'll be fine and I'll be prepared for another cycle.

Anyway, enough raving. Had a phone call from an Aunty the other night that went from about 9.30pm to 12.30am!! That's after midnight people!! God, the woman can talk - and most of it was classic assvice and adage! Bleurgghh! I was a good girl and held my tongue for most of it. A couple of time I HAD to interject! Anyway, I weathered it well and just sucked it up and thought to myself - this woman means well.

Saw a movie yesterday - "Failure to Launch". Matthew McConnoughy(sp) and Sarah Jessica Parker were both OK - it was the friend Kit that had be spellbound. Love her!! I liked her in "The New Guy", she was even better in this and just plain gorgeous and sexy. And who was the actor playing the "nomad/ world traveler" friend - very noice, very noice! ;)

Meeting some real friends ;) next week for coffee. One is an old friend who went through IVF about 6 years ago. Looking forward to getting some advice. the other is another teacher who is going though IVF for the first time this cycle, same as me. We'll have a lot to talk about and to compare. Should be fun.

Bye!

Anzac

OK - have been "on" puregon for three nights now and my brain is turning to glue and I'm really clumsy in the hands. Great! I'm also a hormonal cow! Swinging from heart melting sweetness to nasty viper bitch in seconds!

Managed to march in the Anzac parade today though without making a dick of myself!!
Seriously, the march was a special occasion for me. I wore my grandfather's medals for the first time since his death last December at the age of 90. I felt honoured all over again that I was the one chosen to have his medals. I hope he was looking on and feeling preoud of me and of himself and what he had done in his life.
I suspect he wouldn't have felt proud of himself though - he was too humble for that! He went through hell in New Guinea, but never once asked to be pat n the back for that - it was just something he did because he had to. He lied a good quiet life full of family and friends and died a cruel death in a hospital bed, alone at 3am, but he was in the hearts of every one who new him.
Not many more men like him left in the world - a dying generation.

So...here we are!

Right-i-oh then! Here we are!
After spending a good many hours of my current school holidays reading other women's blogs, I decided to give this a go.
A most certainly can not guarantee that I will be an inspiring writer, or that my life will be of any interest whatsoever, to anyone!
I love the concept of blogging - have always been a diary and journal writer - but, not since falling in love with my partner, Rob, have I written one - and that's going back 7 or 8 years now.
Just looking over my writing - I use a lot of dashes, people! Oh, and a lot of brackets (I've only recently become aware of the "style" since being a member of an online forum).
Looking back over my diary writing/ journal writing years - I only ever write when I'm obsessed with something. Obsessed with a friend/ non-friend, obsessed with a boy/ man and now - obsessed with

can


I


say


it?

Having a baby! There! So, here we are! Another blog about a woman's quest for conception. But, it's my story too, and I wanna tell it.
The story starts when boy meets girl and fall head over heels, of course. I was about to turn 30 at the time. I was married previously but had never REALLY wanted to have children with THAT man. This man is different and I am different. Plus, there's the age thing ....

Age, that dark spectre gliding along just behind my right shoulder....just out of peripheral sight. But, if I turn my head right around, it's there staring me in the face. I'm 35.

Being a well educated gal and into doing all the necessary reading and researching to whip myself into a frenzy of worry, I do realise all too well that there are statistics out there about success rates for the 35 and overs. I've chosen to listen to my doctor tell me that "This should work" - hearing it as "This will work" and stick my head in the sand about the rest. I wish I hadn't read so much though.

The journey started with my "going off" the pill in April 2004. That was indeed what it was, too. I was starting to look at that little pill as the evil enemy - it was making me feel sick to take it. So began about 7 ignorant months just waiting to see whether I'd fall pregnant.

I. just.thought.it.would.happen.

Come December 2004/January 2005 - I experience what I'm pretty sure is an early miscarriage or a chemical pregnancy. Around that time I also find a great online forum and join a group of women who are also trying to conceive. A quick learning curve ensued. I learnt about ovulation, I learnt about basal body temperatures, cervical mucous, supplements, timing of intercourse. Well - no wonder I wasn't pregnant!! Again, once I'd gained all of this new knowledge and turned it into skill I just thought it would happen.

It didn't. Instead my cycles decided they'd become long and irregular, just for the fun of it. Off to the GP, armed with charts and a marked calendar. GP is lovely and helpful and said "If nothing by April, come back and I'll refer you".

Enter from the wings, Dr Wong. And, he's fantastic. I don't see him much, but when I do I get told what I need to know, I get to ask questions, have them answered. I get reassurance and very good patient care.

I started clomid after being diagnosed with polycystic ovaries. I don't have the syndrome, just a couple of features that can be ticked off on a list - long cycles, multiple small follicles on an ovary. Bugger. Clomid wasn't too bad - I responded very well whilst on it and most definitely ovulated. I just didn't get pregnant. I also gained about 10 kilos!

It was about this time that I started to get really sensitive to other people's "assvice" (a really great term I've picked up somewhere online - Thank you to the originals "term coiner"). One particular piece of assvice that gives the absolute shits is "Just relax - it will happen". What the...? I am not that bloody tense - My reproductive sytem is not the way it is because I'm tense godammit! And, the pearler that beats them all is from my sister's idiot of a husband - here it is, are you ready for it?? "Just fuck!!" Oh! Really?? Is that what we've been doing wrong all this time? Is that why you have two kids and I have - none?? I don't fuck and you do?? Or - are you trying to say we don't fuck the right way??? What IS it that you are trying to say, exactly?? Moron!

Anyway, I see my specialist during my sixth cycle of clomid and discuss the next step. Things were getting serious, people - Rob even had to come to this appointment. There were about 4 options laid before us.1) Keep trying. 2) Have a lap/dye test (if I have blocked tubes go to option 4, if I don't have blocked tubes, go to option 1, 3 or 5). 3) try IUI. 4) start IVF. I think my age came into it a lot when we made the decision. Option 1 was out of the question. Option 2 was seriously considered but we decided to skip it. Dr Wong didn't recommened unblocking tubes because of increased ectopic risks, and if they weren't blocked it still didn't go anyway towards explaining why we weren't getting pregnant - we're going around in circles here people - and I have always been a straight line kind of gal!

So, here we are! About $7000 worse off, but getting excited about the very real possiblity of being pregant in about a month's time. I've been injecting Lucrin for about 10 days now. I start the Puregon injections tomorrow.

I think that's about enough for a first post, too...